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"Understanding of life begins with the understanding of patterns" - Fritjof Capra.
*Trigger Warning: mention of self-harm & suicide*
Human beings are creatures of habit
We spend a good part of our life forging routines and schedules which we dutifully follow, both consciously and unconsciously. We build up patterns through a repetitive response to circumstances; simply put, something worked for us once, so we do it again. Some are healthy, some are helpful… and some can be harmful. The patterns that we create within our lives are not always easy to spot. We may have become so familiar with them that they feel engrained in our character, a part of us. Self-awareness of our behaviours is the first step in understanding the influencers behind them, allowing us to be able to make positive changes to stop those habits that hinder.
How to identify habits and patterns?
A useful tool for increasing self-awareness is the Johari Window, which is usually used in group settings to improve understanding between individuals within a collective. It can be adapted for one-to-one purposes with a trusted person, such as a counsellor. The model could even be used with a close friend, family member or significant other. The Window is made up of four quadrants that represent our awareness.
1. Open
2. Blind
3. Hidden
4. Unknown
The open area is what is known to us and to others. For example, you know that it is a good idea to have a coffee in the morning before you do anything else, or you are prone to feeling uptight and reactive. Your partner knows that too. You are aware of certain rituals you follow day to day and those around you are as well.
The blind area is what is known to others but not to us. Perhaps your parents have noticed that you seem to always turn to junk food when you’re feeling stressed, or your therapist points out that you readily and easily make excuses for others when they treat you badly. Your blind spot is made up of the behaviours that you didn’t realise were routine patterns.
The hidden area is what we know but others do not – the façade we put on. Maybe you’re aware of how shy you feel when meeting new people, but they would never know because you talk more to cover up the fact. Maybe you know that your go-to coping mechanism is self-harm, but you’ve never disclosed this to anyone else. The hidden section is made up of the habitual patterns that we know about but keep from others.
Finally, the unknown area is, well, unknown. These are the patterns we follow in our unconscious, that we, or others, haven’t recognised yet. Over time and with self-exploration, the goal is to bring these into our awareness and gain an understanding of the rationale behind them.
Healthy, harmful or helpful?
Once we have discovered the first three regions of the window, we can start to explore and understand the purpose of the habits, routines and patterns. Perhaps you go for a walk or run when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Or when you’re experiencing a low mood, instead of talking about your emotions, you cope by distracting yourself with a film or book, focusing on something else until the feeling passes. These are understandable habits to have and therefore ‘healthy’. We may not even recognise them as a pattern at first, until we start to take notice of our behaviours and the reasons for them.
More obvious are the ‘harmful’ patterns, ranging from excessive drinking & drug use to over-eating, over-spending & over-working. Although these may give us a short-term sense of gratification, when we return to these habits time after time, we form a toxic pattern that is detrimental to our quality of life. The alcohol-fuelled nights out won’t heal the loss of a loved one, the new clothes that you can’t really afford won’t improve your self-esteem in the long run and taking on too much work as a distraction will negatively impact all other aspects of your life.
However, some of these harmful patterns that we have constructed can actually be seen as ‘helpful’. Self-harm is the prime example. Although it is harmful, it can be a strategy that some use to prolong worse effects, such as attempting suicide. For some self-harm is a useful coping mechanism, as it converts emotional pain into physical pain which can be easier to manage. It can provide a temporary relief in place of the permanent solution of death.
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge" - Tuli Kupferberg.
Recognising the patterns in our lives, identifying their purpose and understanding where they stem from are the first steps towards greater self-awareness and the ability to make positive changes in our lives. Of course, it is not always easy to change something that we see works well for us, no matter how much we may want to. It can be a scary thought to imagine our safety net is no longer there for us to fall back on. We need to be kind to ourselves if we fail, have patience for the potential hard road ahead and appreciate that this is a personal journey. Be mindful that the changes that others have made (and promise you are the most effective), may not necessarily work for you… and that’s okay! Just as your patterns are personal to you, so will the change that you make need to be and remember; you know yourself better than anyone, you are aware of what motivates and demoralises you and you are more than capable of finding that healthier coping mechanism that fits you just right!